


Self- portrait

by Y_mx



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Drug Use, Heavy Angst, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Murder-Suicide, Partying, Psychological Drama, Sad Ending, Suicide, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, double suicide, just some sad shit, psychopath hyungwon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:42:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23529349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Y_mx/pseuds/Y_mx
Summary: Minhyuk is a brilliant art student struggles with his mental health and his addictions daily. He ends up in a vicious cycle that destroys way too many people's lives. Who will get out alive?
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Lee Minhyuk, Im Changkyun | I.M/Lee Jooheon, Lee Jooheon/Lee Minhyuk
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14





	Self- portrait

**Author's Note:**

> I made a playlist for this fan-fiction and if you actually listen to the songs, play them in order and when you see a "-NEXT-" skip to the next one even if the one you're listening to hasn't finished  
> 1\. Joji- Demons  
> 2\. Lorde- Homemade Dynamite(remix)  
> 3\. Britney Spears- If U Seek Amy  
> 4\. Tyler, the creator- IFHY  
> 5\. The Cardigan- Lovefool  
> 6\. Nicki Minaj- Pills N Potions  
> 7\. Conan Gray- Maniac  
> 8\. Vanice Joy-Riptide  
> 9\. SuperDuperKyle- Dont wanna fall in love  
> 10\. Billie Eilish- my boy  
> 11\. Lorde- Hard feelings  
> 12\. Billie Eilish- bury a friend

-START-  
Empty. That’s how Minhyuk has been feeling for quite a while now. He couldn’t feel everything that most people would, at least not in full capacity. Happiness seemed just like a stupid rumor. How could anyone feel this excitement in this shitty world? The only time he felt content enough was either when he was with his childhood best friend, Changkyun, or when he was on the verge of over dosing from all the drugs he was taking. When his dealer would refuse to give him any pills, or rather anything to numb him up, he got drunk with everything that fell in his hand. He needed those distractions. His therapist diagnosed him with severe depression and suicidal tendencies. It’s as if she labeled him with that and since then, that’s all he saw in the mirror. A sad fuck with a dreadful life that he lived only for the people around him. Sometimes he would deny his reality. What did that stupid woman know about the way he felt? Why did he have to take those useless antidepressants with which he still fantasized about killing himself? 

“Whatever” he sighed pulling himself from his intrusive thoughts

“You alright, Min?” asked Kihyun, his cheerful roommate and good friend. It would be hilarious if he hadn’t figure out how messed up, both mentally and physically, Minhyuk was. At some point the blond had to reveal his secrets and when he did, he was actually grateful. He could come home fucked up and not have to hide from the other boy. Kihyun was actually thankful that Minhyuk opened up, since then they have formed a sharp bond that was pretty much unbreakable- they helped each other as well as they could.

“Peachy. Kyun’s coming over by the way” 

“I have classes anyway. You really should attend them too…” the shorter trailed off

“Not in the mood for this again, Ki”

“You know, Mr. Son has been asking about you. He’s worried that you have lost your motivation for art. You were one of the best students in this university after all.”

“Do you really think that if I’m not in the mood to live, I would be in the mood to annoy myself over my repelling paintings?” said Minhyuk in a bitter tone.

“Tell Kyun I said hi” and with a huff, Kihyun gathered his books from the table in front of them and left the apartment, he didn’t want to have this conversation again.

“How did I even screw up that simple interaction” Minhyuk thought. Sometimes he could get a bit too much and way too self-deprecating, which is mostly what annoyed Kihyun the most about him. He was a positive guy, who could see the strengths and talent in everyone. They were almost opposites in this aspect. He always ended up feeling guilty for the other that has to put up with his foolish behavior. Another reason why he should say goodbye forever.

Without another word or wrong breath, he headed to the kitchen and lit one of his last cigarettes while making himself and his friend, that should arrive right around this time, some cheap-ass coffee. Better than nothing. The blonde always had his coffee as black as possible, no sugar no milk. However, his best friend drank the sweetest coffee anyone could imagine. It kind of represented their personalities. If Minhyuk and his roommate were only remotely different, him and Kyun were complete opposites and always have been.  
Right when the blond was about to call and ask the boy where he is, as if on cue, he heard his door opening. He couldn’t bring himself to get up- he already knew it was Changkyun. Before he could say anything the boy in his thoughts appeared in front of him, fully dressed in black with a smile on his face. A strong contrast with Minhyuk who was dressed as colorful as ever with a motionless face. 

“What took you so long” the older asked fiddling with his cigarette

“Shut up I was at Hoseok’s”

-NEXT-

Hoseok was their dealer and he had been for quite a while. He was a well-built man that lived most of his life on the streets and given the circumstances, most would think he is an ill-behaved person. In fact, he was one of the kindest people both of them have ever met- he truly had a heart of gold. Minhyuk met him in his sophomore year of high school and the boy introduced him to a whole new world of pleasure. Not long after, Changkyun started picking up an interest and since then he had been their plug. They weren’t only acquaintances but neither good friends

“What for?” asked Min. Changkyun almost never went to him with the blond, much less by himself

“You forgot about the party?” the younger asked confused. His friend was the first one to throw himself into clubs or house parties for a reason to fuck his life over only for a little bit

“Oh my god…is it already Friday?”

“Yes, you stupid fuck. I can’t believe you forgot about it”

“Sorry, lately I can’t really keep track of time” said Minhyuk, remorse present in his voice

“Don’t worry, it’s alright. Are you good?” Kyun answered realizing that he went a bit far

“Yeah I’m fine don’t worry” Min said, laughing the first time that day

“Need another pack. You coming? Added the blond trying to change the subject

“Sure. Can I leave the stuff here?”

“Make sure it’s out of Kihyun’s sight, he’d go bat-shit crazy if he saw drugs in our apartment”

And with that they were on their way to the closest store. They were talking about insignificant things until Minhyuk asked 

“Who’s coming to this party anyways?”

“Well… its hosted by Vernon so probably a few of his friends, Hyungwo-“

“Hyungwon is coming?! Couldn’t you start with that?” half screamed the older

Minhyuk has liked Hyungwon since he met him which was more or less 3 months ago. They met at a stupid party and somehow, while both of them were drunk off their asses, they made out multiple times and it almost was something more. Almost. Since then, they started talking and they eventually became friends. One time, his head was in Hyungwon lap, and while the taller was playing in his hair, he told him that he has never seen a boy prettier than him. The blonde realized that that’s the closest that he will ever get to Hyungwon in a romantic way. And it hurt so bad- so fucking bad. It made him want to vomit his feelings out. He still remembers the way Hyungwon rejected him and how he got drunk and took drugs up to his eyeballs and oh how he slit his wrists because of a few words. Since he’s pretty much numb to most feelings, the least he can fully feel is romantic love but holy fuck it turns into something so, so obsessive. But it’s okay since both of them get along and nothing really happened between them, right?

“Thought you got over him?”

“Kyun… that was the alcohol talking. He could probably beat me to death and I’d still be like in love with him”

“In love?! Min did you bang your head on something?”

“Shut the fuck up. I was just surprised by him coming. That word just slipped”

“Hey at least he’s fun at parties? Remember the time we did lsd with him?”

“Ok whatever got it. Continue with the people that are coming”

“Well besides those already mentioned, I think Jooheon is coming too? Maybe you should also invite Ki, he seems a bit stiff lately”

“So, both Jooheon and Hyungwon are coming ? “asked the taller with an anxious voice

“Yeah. Honestly, I think you really should stop chasing after that lanky bitch and get with Joo. He’s way better than him and you have way more chances.”

“You know damn well I wish I could do that. Anyway, lets head back”

Without another word on the matter they started walking with sluggish steps towards Min’s home. Kyun was bubbling with excitement whereas the other was moved by fright. The older had somewhat of a bad feeling about this night but he decided to shrug it off and for once try to have fun without pretending he’s the happiest when in fact, he feels the worst from all points of view.

As soon as they entered, they were greeted by a tired-looking Kihyun. He seemed startled when the door opened

“Hi Ki!” greeted Kyun with a small wave, gesture repeated by Min

“Uh, hi.” said the red-haired boy who rushed to his room as soon as he was noticed

“Wait Ki! Vernon’s having a party tonight, do you want to come? “Min asked hopefully. The boy looked like he needed some fun and this party was the perfect opportunity.  
“Are you sure id fit in? I mean I sounds fun…”

After a few minutes of Ki rambling about his worries, in the end he finally accepted. So, they started preparing. Kihyun got his make-up done by Min and the boy also did it for himself. Kyun being the “straight guy” he claims to be, refused to have his face done. 

“How should I dress up guys?” asked Ki shyly

“I have no idea but not in red.”

“What, why?” questioned Kyun

“Because Hyungwon likes red and I will be wearing red”

-NEXT-

No one commented further. After they got ready, they still had quite a bit of time to kill. Minhyuk asked his best friend what he brought for the party, oblivious to the fact that Kihyun heard him which ended up in a small argument, but not as big as the blonde thought. Somehow, the boys found themselves sharing 2 joints on their kitchen floor. This was officially the start of the night. As soon as they finished their blunts, the best friends lit up each a cigarette. To their surprise, Kihyun asked for one too. Kyun offered him one of his menthol ones and Min offered one of his lucky strikes. Opposites.

After they finished their smoke, they got the first cab and not after long, they arrived at Vernon’s house. Seeing as Kihyun didn’t know anyone there, if he was his usual self, he would have been extremely anxious. But the boy wasn’t his usual self -he was so fucking high, siting in cloud 9. All of them were.

They made their way inside, where they were welcomed by a grinning Vernon. As soon as they arrived, the host excused himself and Kyun- probably to drop off the drugs, the boy promised his best friend to keep some for them only though. Min would have accompanied his friend if Ki wasn’t with them, he couldn’t leave him alone. After the 2 parted, the roommates caught a good glance of the room and realized that the attention was on them. The shorter boy started forming a blush that matched with his hair and the other shone a confident smile.

“I should introduce myself!” Ki proposed without hesitating 

“Are sure you can do that alone?” asked Minhyuk a bit wide eyed

“Yeah I’m good, wouldn’t want to burden you”

And before the other could say anything, the red-haired was already leaving. 

“What weed does to people…” whispered the tall boy

He straightened himself up and headed to the kitchen, where people were playing a game of beer pong, but instead of a chug, you had to take 3 shots. It was sure to fuck you up pretty easily and Min joined as soon as he noticed they started another round. He was playing with a friend of Vernon’s, Jeonghan, whom he had met on serval occasions. After a few laughs, the blond looked across the table and noticed who he was playing against.

Hyungwon and Jooheon.

“Holy fuck” said Minhyuk, Hyungwon smirking and Joo laughing upon hearing the boy on the other side.

“Afraid you will lose to me, Lee?” asked the taller boy

The boy didn’t answer and focused on playing the best he could- which seemed to work out considering that him and Jeonghan won.

By the end of the game, Hyungwon vanished somewhere and his “teammate” came over.

“I’m glad you could make it!”

“You know I wouldn’t miss a good party” smiled the high boy

Was Hyungwon avoiding him? Was he seeing someone else? Why did he disappear like that? Even if he was quite drunk already, these stupid thoughts were still present. He needed a bit more to take the edge off. 

Before the other could reply, the older dragged him upstairs and closed the door behind them. He started searching for something in his pocket. With a sigh of relief, he took out a little bag in which were 2 pills.

“Bro, you good?”

“Why does everyone fucking ask that?” the question had clear irritation and anger in it

“You taking half with me or no?” added the boy

Jooheon nodded and after the blond swallowed half, he still had the other part in his hand

“Thought we’d only do half “pointed out the younger, thinking that probably he would take the other half too

“When did I deny that? This part is yours, so take it” said Minhyuk, placing the rest on his tongue

The other didn’t waste any time and picked up the hint. Both of them tasted like the shots they just had and reeked of weed. It should have been disgusting to say the least but they didn’t care- the pill also helped them. Helped them feel everything they wanted, not necessarily needed. The vibrations from the music down stairs were felt in their bones and they were getting lost in each other’s hands. Now topless, the touches on the boys’ skin felt so legitimate and electrifying- unlike with the boy he loved. Before the realization hit him, someone entered the room- a crying Hyungwon opened the door forcefully. When he noticed what he walked in on, he stopped at the door frame

-NEXT-

“Get out…” Min said while looking down, at the sheet which seemed to be dancing under him

Joo threw a glare at Hyungwon and the taller, still teary eyed, did the same back

“I said get out!” the same voice repeated it in an angrier tone

Minhyuk raised his eyes to look at the half-naked boy with a fiery glance. The dimpled realized that he was talking to him and Hyungwon smirked. He returned to staring down but this time tears were staining his cheeks. He couldn’t believe the things he’d do for the person that just walked in on them. How can love make a person act like that? Why did he even feel like this? Hyungwon made him feel something but it wasn’t as good as Min would expect love to feel. 

Jooheon took his shirt and with a whispered “sorry”, disappeared from their sight. After he left, the younger sat on the edge of the bed

“Why are you crying?” asked Min, who tried to act as sober as possible

“What are you crying for?” asked the other back, as if to mock the one he walked in on

“Because of you- you’re still asking?”

“What the fuck did I do this time?”

Oh, only if you knew Hyungwon…

“Nothing. You did nothing and you still continue to do nothing. You never do anything that doesn’t benefit you and I’m sick and tired of it! I care so much… but this is the first time I actually want someone to care back! You can’t even comprehend how badly I want it.” screamed the frustrated boy

“If I make you feel so fucking bad, why do you still talk to me? You have no idea how guilty you’re making me feel!” yelled Hyungwon back, his voice expressing his disbelief

That’s when Minhyuk realized that he said too much. He told the boy he loved the truth. The taller never needed to know the truth, otherwise he wouldn’t even say a word to the blond. He doesn’t want Hyungwon mad, he doesn’t want to tell the other the truth. He needed to make it up to his love. How? What should he do…?

When the angry boy wanted to get off the bed, an idea popped into the others head. 

“Hyungwon I’m so, so sorry. You know I didn’t mean that…”

“How can I trust you anymore?”

“I can make you feel good. Really good “said Min with sparkling eyes

“I don’t want to fuck you!” he said, a nasty frown on his face, that made the other wince a bit-a little cut in is heart but it’s okay he can handle it

“I didn’t mean that! Just wait 10 minutes. I’m begging you… wait for me” 

“Make it 5” with that he let himself fall into the bed and Minhyuk was out the door

He barely managed to get downstairs and he was still stumbling around. Kihyun saw him and immediately knew something was wrong. The blond looked horrid- his make-up had ran down all over his cheeks, his eyes were red and teary and his skin was eminently pale. Somehow, he managed to get himself lost and Ki really couldn’t find him again. Minhyuk was looking for Kyun and before he could ask anyone where his best friend was, he hazily saw him on the couch-making out with… Jooheon. 

“Bunch of whores” Minhyuk thought, but it was okay, he only cared about Hyungwon in that moment. Without hesitation, the blond threw himself right between them

“Oh, Min hi” said the black-haired boy surprised to see him here and mostly stunned that he caught him making out with Joo.

“You left something for us, right?” the eagerness could have been heard by anyone

To be honest, the younger didn’t think that his best friend would ask for more and it concerned him but that’s the least he could do, being caught in this mortifying moment

“Sure, come with me “he said, getting up and starting to walk towards the kitchen, which was now empty

When they found themselves under the bright lights, Changkyun saw his friend’s state and he started slowly reconsidering his choice- maybe he shouldn’t give him anymore drugs.

“I hope you have something good and please hurry up “said Minhyuk while tapping his foot impatiently

“Dude, you look like a fucking ghost. Are you feeling oka- “?

“If you even dare to ask me if I’m okay, I swear to god I will jump at your throat. Now give me whatever you have”

You couldn’t argue with an addict in this state and Kyun gave up on that long ago so he was given what he wanted

“Is this fucking cocaine?” said Min pretty loudly- a bit confounded even in his current state

“Keep it on the low and be careful. Please don’t inject it, you already had enough”

With that Min shooed Kyun away- this would definitely be suitable for Hyungwon taste. Before leaving the kitchen, he made sure to bring a spoon too. He had to find his bag now. Time was running out; people are starting to notice his frantic moves but before he became too suspicious, he found it and headed in a fast pace upstairs.

Just as he entered the room in which the boy waited for him, Hyungwon was about to exit.

“I’m back” said the blond with a small smile

“It was about time, damn” said the taller while rolling his eyes, which the other chose to ignore

He started opening his bag and showed Hyungwon the small plastic bag to which he reacted with big eyes and an open mouth which turned into a smile 

-NEXT-

“I knew I could count on you. I’m sorry that I was angry earlier” he said with a sickly-sweet voice

When Minhyuk got 2 syringes out, Hyungwon was truly in shock

“You want to fucking shoot up coke?”

“Told you I’d be worth waiting for”

To be quite frank, if it wasn’t for the other boy here, Minhyuk would be scared shitless. Those syringes were given to him by Hoseok in case he got into something messy and others wanted to share the same needle. It’s truly was just a safety precaution until now. He lets go of all his worries when he’s with the taller.  
They went on the balcony of the room. After melting it and diluting it and putting it in both syringes, the blond started to somewhat hesitate. Was it really worth it? This shot could be lethal as he was already quite close to his limit- he knew that pretty well. Hyungwon noticed that and with a tender smile and a mellow voice he said:

“You know I love you, right?”

That was the last push and the needle pierced Minhyuk’s skin

“I love you too” said the anxious one

He would have been crying right now if he didn’t have the beat in him. Instead of feeling dreadful, he felt everything and nothing at the same time. Is this what it feels like to be happy? To have normal functioning emotions? This was bliss and he had never felt this good his entire life

Minhyuk and Hyungwon started talking like they have never talked before. A hint of compassion and softness coated his love’s words. It was like they were both in a fairy tale. Certainly, the most depressing one but they didn’t care. In one way or another, they found themselves dancing to the music downstairs, full of laughter under the moonlight. Not after long, the blond felt stings in his heart and not the type of “what did Hyungwon do this time”.

“Hey, Wonnie?”

“Yeah?”

“I can’t feel my heart.” 

When the other turned to the older, he was shaking intensely and his eyes were full of tears

“What’s happening to me?” he said with trembling words and a hurt face

“This is definitely neither my fault nor my business” and with that Hyungwon got up in a cold manner

“Hyungwon please don’t leave me, what if I something bad happens?”

“I will beat you to death if you die on me. Take care…”

-NEXT-

When he tried to get up and follow the boy- who was already gone, he fell on the cold tiles of the balcony. Why would he tell Min to not die? And before he could scream anything, he realized he just overdosed and was left by himself. He was fine with dying and the last person he sees being Hyungwon, but what about the others that showed him that they care? He couldn’t die on Kyun like this but right now he couldn’t do anything. He was passed out but he still heard everything around him. It was more than chaotic. He heard Kyun’s voice right next to him, he was screaming and begging Minhyuk to wake up. In that moment he felt himself being pushed to the side and some light steps approached him-it was Kihyun

“What the fuck happened? What did Min take? “asked a voice who he didn’t recognize at first but the he figured out that it was Vernon

“Some coke” the black-haired boy looked around in a hectic pace after which he added

“He injected it oh my god. Who was he with?”

“Maybe he did it alone?” said Vernon in a puzzled voice

“We made a pact to never shoot up anything, considering his state, he didn’t do it alone. He was also at his limit the last time we spoke but he still wanted more. This bitch knew damn well that he would overdose”

“Well then what are you waiting for? Call an ambulance! “yelled Kihyun, overwhelmed by the situation

“Definitely not. You realize that all of us would go to jail, right?” pointed out the host

“That’s crazy, my friend’s life is on the line and you are thinking about your mugshot?”

After quite a few agonizing hours where the house was emptied out and only the 3 remained with Min, they decided to sit back due to Kyun’s calculations of how much he took of everything, they reached the conclusion that even if did overdose, he wouldn’t die. Kihyun lost it when they decided not to do anything. One way or another, the boys reached the conclusion that their blond friend drugged himself with Hyungwon and maybe the latter pressured him into doing I but the second one was just Kyun’s theory. When they realized, Kihyun quickly called over the one at fault.

Once the intoxicated boy heard everything, that his love would be on his way for him, his eyes started to peel open little by little until his eyes were fully open. He barely felt his body and his mouth was so dry that he couldn’t even talk.

“Minhyuk the fuck was in your head! You scared us so bad” said his be friend in a broken voice, who didn’t hesitate and hugged him immediately  
In truth, Kyun knew about his friend’s suicide attempts but never saw them first hand. It was one of the most bloodcurdling things he had ever seen. He never wanted to see his friends skin turning frosted or his lips having that light pink replaced by a cold pale blue

“So bad” Changkyun whispered

“Sorry” managed the boy to say in a sorrowful whisper

Minhyuk somehow managed to get up and he went downstairs to lay on the couch with a glass of water. This night was way too crazy for anyone’s liking. 

-NEXT- 

He was so distracted that he even forgot about Hyungwon, who was supposed to come over. However, the latter made sure Minhyuk didn’t forget him by slapping him as soon as he was in front of the blond. He let out a whimper and a shaky sigh

“What the hell is wrong with you? Did you really fake an overdose for my attention? “shouted the taller full of contempt  
“Please don’t be mad at me...” replied the boy heavyhearted

“Hyungwon I swear to god if you spit shit at him one more time, I will kill you right then and there” announced Changkyun, who just entered the room, followed by Kihyun and Vernon

“I’m not mad Minnie! It’s alright” and with that he hugged the older tightly, maybe a bit too tight

“I’m glad you’re safe” added the taller in a whisper, which only the blond could hear. It put an unsteady smile on Minhyuk’s lips- he didn’t do it for attention but he never wanted to argue with Hyungwon again; from that moment, everything the latter said was right

“It’s so sweet of you to check up on me. Are you feeling alright after yesterday? I didn’t want to disappoint or sadden you…”

Of course the boy would worry about Hyungwon even if he just overdosed. He knew that his mental health was way more damaged but it didn’t really bother him at this point. Their friendship has been like that ever since they met

“Okay Hyungwon I think he got the message. Let him rest and come here” spoke Kyun in the most rigid way Min has ever heard him

As soon as they left the living room, Minhyuk- who was way beyond worn out, fell on the couch again knowing that his best friend got his back

In the kitchen, things were getting heated up fast. Hyungwon was lighting up his cigarette while Kihyun was looking him up and down with knit brows and the youngest was aggressively questioning him

“How did you convince Min to shoot up?”

“He brought everything; I didn’t request a single thing from him “answered dully the tall boy with a long drag out of his cigarette 

“How can we believe anything you say?” Kihyun asked

“You can or you cannot. It’s your choice but If you don’t believe me, ask him. You would trust your roommate and you would trust your best friend, right?”

Changkyun knew damn well that this guy found the perfect loophole- Minhyuk would never rat him out even if it was a life or death situation, so for now he had to pretend to believe this asshole

“Cat got your tongue? “added the boy with a sly smirk

“You’re on our black list Mr. Chae” replied the red head

“What could you possibly do Kihyun? You’re a lame fuck with like 3 friends that stay with you out of pity. Anyways I got a photoshoot to attend so if I shall be excused…” with that Hyungwon threw his cig butt at the one whom he was just talking to, and left with heavy steps

“Never knew he was such a shitty guy” pointed out Vernon

“Ugh I don’t get why Minhyuk can’t see that his lover boy is such a bitch. He would be way better with me or for any instance, even with you, Kyun!” exclaimed a frustrated Kihyun  
“Give up on it bro, this thing between you 2 isn’t going to happen anytime soon and I’m straight! He would really match with Joo…” finished the boy’s best friend in a regretful tone

“Weren’t you making out with him last night?” asked Vernon with a small chuckle at how confusing this situation became

At that, the black-haired guy didn’t answer and only looked at his hands, whose fingers were vigorously fidgeting

-NEXT- 

Everything started going uphill after that party and most things even started to take a turn for the better. The only one that was still way too worried for his own good was Kihyun, who claimed that if he ever attended another party with them, he would have a heart attack. Changkyun started talking with Jooheon more and more and honestly? Minhyuk encouraged it wholeheartedly. His friend deserved a love life too and the blond wouldn’t mess it up only because I’m and Joo would be a better match or only for the fact that Hyungwon kept breaking his heart.

Lately, the latter started being more thoughtful and gentler with Min which made his heart warm up and he actually enjoyed his presence. Almost every time he met up with Hyungwon, Kyun insisted that he would be present- he was scared of what he could do to Minhyuk. However, the blond promised to be careful this time and after an avalanche of questions from his friend, he managed to meet up only with the taller

That’s how he older found himself in Hyungwon’s apartment, all alone with the other. They were painting and the blond hadn’t actually tried in a long time. He started a self-portrait- even if he wasn’t that sure of how he looked like. The other didn’t really help much and before he knew it, he finished his work. Disappointingly, it looked nothing like him but what would you expect from someone that was on the brink of insanity?  
“It’s wonderful” commented Hyunwon

“You never told me why you were crying at Vernon’s party” randomly mentioned the older- he didn’t like the subject of his face in general

“Oh yeah; well you know Wonwoo, right? I saw him kiss someone else and it messed me up for a bit.”

Wonwoo? Bad choice. He used to be one of his really good friends and for a short while, they were even together. He started changing drastically when he entered uni. The boy became more selfish and bland- most would say that he became shady. Even when they were quite close, this guy had some inconsiderate decisions but no one thought they had any malicious intentions. How can someone like a person that acts that way?

“Of course, I know about him; did you really forget everything that I told you that he did to me?”

Sometimes Hyungwon wouldn’t pay attention to what Minhyuk was saying and it highly bothered him but somehow the blond reached the conclusion that that’s how the taller was with everyone-even though he actually wasn’t

“Still remember, don’t get all worked up.” stated the boy with a smile

“Just a piece of advice- don’t fall in love with him”

That wasn’t even for Min’s sake. He cared about the other and he didn’t want him to suffer like he did after Wonwoo distanced himself for no reason. The older always had some pent-up frustration for his ex-friend and this whole “Hyungwon has a crush on me but I don’t give a single fuck” made him even more annoyed. He’d literally kill to be in his place right now.

The other didn’t say anything, everything that Minhyuk could do was to let out a bitter laugh

“I’m having a little gathering here tonight. Wanna sleep over?” Hyungwon broke the lightly awkward silence

“Yeah sure. Just please don’t let me do any hard drugs” laughed Minhyuk when he finished the sentence- Hyungwon joined him

Everything was back to normal; it was all fine. After their little giggle, Minhyuk decided to help himself to some of his friend’s clothes. He took a simple sweater with yellow stripes. When he put it on it, he felt so cozy that he never wanted to take it off.

“’Have you seen a grinder around by any chance? Hyungwon questioned

Minhyuk answered negative and they ended up putting weed in a blender which seemed the funniest thing on the earth and it made them cry of laughter. These moments were worth his life the blond thought

-NEXT- 

People started to slowly pour in and to the elder’s surprise, Hoseok was invited too

“You know Seok?” Hyungwon was questioned

“You and Kyun aren’t the only ones who deal under him” answered the boy with a playful wink

Even if Min himself dealt from Hoseok, he didn’t really care about it but he found it really hot that his friend was involved in such pleasures too

The party got started and unlike last time, no one was extremely fucked up and that really helped the blond not to get really messed up himself. The music still blew off their ears in the most pleasurable way ever-thank god that the boy had the apartment soundproofed. Everything was going smoothly and right when Minhyuk was about to admit that he was actually feeling good, Hyungwon left his side. The latter went to greet whoever just arrived. Out of sheer curiosity, Minhyuk peeked in the hallway and saw…Wonwoo.  
Why was he expecting Hyungwon to not invite that guy over? For a little while, he actually thought him and “his Wonnie” were going somewhere; everything shattered when he saw the other smile at some bland-ass joke Wonwoo probably made. 

Minhyuk felt sorry for Kyun as he promised his friend that he would stay as sober as he could and be safe- well that plan went out the window. The saddened boy way made his way to the closest bottle of strong alcohol, which happened to be a quite a nostalgic choice – Stalinskaya. If his best friend would have been here, he probably would have had a good laugh but the blond decided to stop thinking about him because he would actually be disappointed as hell seeing Min like this. 

After the 10th shot he stopped counting. He just remembers that Hyungwon and Wonwoo were close-too close for it to be platonic. Too afraid to upset Hyungwon and too scared by his own self he decided to lock himself in the bathroom, which was in a terrible state by the way.

“No, I won’t doing drugs” he kept repeating out loud to himself. The pressure he was putting on himself made him sob in the end.

-NEXT- 

As if he were in a dream, someone knocked and to his luck it was angel. Or devil. Minhyuk decided to describe him as an angel that was pretending to be the devil. Hyungwon had bloodshot eyes- was he in the clouds or did he cry? The sniffle the boy let out confirmed the second choice. The taller surely noticed that the other had been crying too but neither asked anything regarding it. They both knew they hated that question. Instead, they flashed each other a little pity smile

“Wanna get out of here? “asked Hyungwon hopeful for the other to accept

Minhyuk just nodded and took the boy’s helping hand. On their way out, the latter also grabbed a pair of scissors which made the blond a bit puzzled but he didn’t say a word about it. He just followed the younger wherever he went. They went up to the last floor

“What are we doing here” the shorter finally gathered the courage to ask

Hyungwon just told him to not be impatient and that shut him up. When Minhyuk realized what was happening, he was left in awe. The boy was using the scissors to break the exit’s door lock. 

They ended up on the building’s roof. The boys laid down on their backs and started star-watching.

“Want something good?” Hyungwon asked all of a sudden

“What drugs do you want to take?” with that question Minhyuk rolled his eyes. He just wished to have fantasies with the other, sober-or at least drugfree, tonight

“Don’t be so stiff Minnie”. The sentence was said in such a sugar-coated way that the blond knew he wasn’t going to refuse anything he was proposed next

With a swift motion, Hyungwon got out yet another devil’s bag that had 2 yellow pills in it. Him and Kyun always refused the yellow one as they were the strongest and had the biggest quantity of the active substance. At the same time, Min remembered how he shot up coke not so long ago so in comparison, how bad could this be?

Hyungwon already took the whole pill and seeing how the older didn’t want to look like a coward in front of the other- especially not in front of him, he swallowed the pill.  
It didn’t take long for it to kick in, in a bit more than 30 minutes they were already gone. Hyungwon reached for Minhyuk’s hand and the latter plastered on a sweet smile. They got closer and closer until the youngers boy’s lips touched the others. Min truly felt like he was in heaven right then and there- a pity that neither of them were sober but if they were, it would have never happened. It was a short and meaningful kiss and the taller was the first one to pull away

“I want to die with you” said Hyungwon in a murmur

When the blond heard that, he looked at him in astonishment

“I want to be by your side forever, too”

“You know we can’t be forever type of thing, right?”

“What do you mean?"

-NEXT- 

Hyungwon sat upright and that urged Minhyuk to do the same, the younger had an emotionless look on his face  
“Let’s jump”

“What floor are we even on?”

“Well there’s 9 floors in this building so we are technically on the 10th”

This is the excitement and euphoria that the blond wanted to feel all his entire life. He got an adrenaline rush and took “his Wonnie’s” hand and sat on the edge. He waited for these very feelings way too long, and to have them by Hyungwon’s side? Truly the best time he would probably ever have

“Even if we know each other for less than half a year, you became my obsession- my whole life. I love you, Wonnie” confessed the boy

“Love you too” said Hyungwon with a hint of reluctancy in his voice.

With that they let go of each other’s hand, and jumped. The last thing Minhyuk heard was the other boy’s cry, screaming a deafening “I’m sorry” while he was standing on the edge  
Hyungwon didn’t jump. He managed to rush a single tear drop on his face and with that he gave up his soul- he landed.

The taller watched the scene unfold with a melancholic look on his face. He let himself fall on the hard roof and he stayed there for the following hours. He was sad about it but he didn’t regret lying to Minhyuk- he couldn’t live the way he was anymore. It was a harm for others and most importantly for him. He was day by day going crazy and it was noticeable that there was no going back. The other really tried to give him the best end there could have been. He wasn’t proud of himself but not exactly distressed either. That was in his case anyway.

Upon hearing the news, his friends were devastated- at least the ones who didn’t see Minhyuk as just their plug. When Kihyun found out what happened, he fainted from the shock. He entered his roommate’s bed room and took a good look at how everything was left. His room was way too messy but that’s how Minhyuk was. He had a chaotic life and an even more chaotic way of ending it. He never dared to touch anything there- all of it remained how the owner wanted.

-NEXT-

Changkyun was truly devastated when the news got to him. He didn’t talk at all until his best friend’s funeral. The casket wasn’t open- it would have been a horrific sight but he just wanted to see his friend one more time. He managed to get out a written speech which ended up making everyone’s hearts heavier. The boy kept blaming himself for Minhyuk’s death- if he was there to protect him, he would have been alive right now and they would be bickering about some moronic situation that neither of them would really care about

Hyungwon brought the self-portrait to the funeral which made everything even more broken. A depressed addict’s portrait shouldn’t be so pretty.  
Somehow, Changkyun couldn’t manage to confront Hyungwon, who deeply disturbed him. He found out what happened by word of mouth and managed to piece everything together

A few months passed and the boy still blamed himself for his childhood best friend death. That’s all he ever thought about really since the incident. He moved in a new apartment with Kihyun, who was handling it pretty roughly too. Minhyuk’s and Kihyun’s apartment wasn’t sold- it was left as it was in that damned night. Almost everything they did now was in the boy’s sake. Changkyun changed drastically to be his opposite- to be more like Min; Ki managed to get them an apartment on the 6th floor. Their friend always said 6 was his life’s number. They changed everything and some would say that they were completely absurd but it wasn’t a bother. They somehow managed to feel their dead friend presence next to them at all times

One evening, after Kihyun went to sleep, Kyun went out on the balcony to release some stress with his lucky strikes. Another wasteful night where he would blame himself for everything that happened. He just wished that everything would stop- not only the blaming.

He was sitting on the balcony rail with his feet dangling in the air. Minhyuk would sure be worried if he saw him like this. Did he think the same thing before jumping? They have always wanted to go out at the same time, one of them was a bit quicker though

“Hope you waited for me, Minnie” 

His last words were said with the biggest smile he had since Minhyuk’s death- he won’t miss him anymore.


End file.
